| (no subject) |
[Feb. 10th, 2008|11:18 am] |
This is not cool...
I'm home this weekend because I just decided I wanted to get out of columbia and watch high school states, and also because I could leave a day earlier and spend friday, saturday and sunday here.
Me and Kyle hung out. I know it's bad, but I just wanted to talk to him as a friend and just see how he was doing. & We ended up doing what we always do when we hang out.
Afterwards I felt horrible. I realized I was still in love with him, and I think I'm starting to realize this because he's moved on (for the most part) with some dumb chick... who is actually really pretty. We parted opur ways and then I saw him the next day at the state meet.
I told him that I still loved him, but I was worried that when I finally figured out that I couldn't be without him, he would realize that he could be without me. He agreed, but I have no idea where that leaves us now. I know people say that you never forget your first love, and I think it might be true, especially after dating for almost 2 years.
I think the whole owen thing was just stalling the thought of me being truly single, something that hasn't happened in a long time.
I don't even know what to do about the whole owen thing. I cannot believe that he has no amount of respect for me to acutally tell me that he doesn't want to talk to me again, that he either is so happy with elise or he just wants to get over me. Not answering my text messages is the dumbest thing ever. I trusted him, and truly stuck by him through his indecisiveness, him hurting me with the things that he didn't mean to say, and going straight from one relationship to another.
Do I really deserve that after we had sex, and he told me that he " Had been waiting for this for a long time, he's really liked me so much.....etc." to throw me under the bus and fuck me over after everything that has happened this semester thus far. I really didn't think so, but I guess I do. We have been friends for a while. Friends don't do this to each other. Friends have enough respect for each other when they have mono and can't swim, have a developing eating disorder, and is really just an unhappy person to not just ignore there efforts to contact him. Even if he was like "Meg, I hate you." Well that would blow but at least I could say, that was stupid and worthless, but I'm glad its over now. It's been five days since we have talked.
After we had that big blowup and I told him I needed some space to get over him and I would contact him when I am ready, he texted mea five days later.. saying how he missed me blah blah blah. Now 2 weeks
Right now I really can't handle much of anything.. I'm really worried about myself. I haven't been this unhappy since well... ever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2007|08:32 pm] |
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all I have to say is wow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2007|11:10 pm] |
Oh I am just full of bad life decisions this semester.
fabulous |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2007|11:23 pm] |
Everything is going wrong right now.
Megan and Christine are fighting in the room next door. I can hear them yelling and screaming, and I want to join and tell my opinion, but at the same time I just want to stay in my room and study. They are fighting about the deal with the hospital, the dumb fucking facebook thing, and the fact that megan hasn't talked to them in days.
Now claire has joined in the fight. She is mad because megan is talking about how the hospital ordeal went on. She is angry because megan never said thank you and waiting with her in the hospital. She is also angry because megan is moving rooms and didn't tell the twins before they found out from the team. I think that it is shitty, but I'm so sick of all of this right now.
Apparently we aren't good roomates and I understand that. The twins like to control everything in their lives, but christine is the only one that does the fighting. Claire won't say anything but just let christine take over and interject random thoughts.
Megan is too free-spirted and messy to deal with. She doesn't do the dishes and often leaves messes.
&& I don't know exactly what i do wrong, but i probably do something.
This is not good.
only 3 more days. |
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| I'm addin more every day |
[Nov. 21st, 2007|09:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
So I haven't written in this for a long time...
So I am here in Charleston right now, for a couple of days during Thanksgiving break. I want to go home so badly, but at the same time, I am scared. How am I supposed to answer the question that everyone will be asking me?
"So, How's college?"
Am I supposed to answer truthfully? Or should I lie and say how much I love it, I love swimming, classes are hard, but I have so many new friends. I am so happy and blessed to go there, and I know that you will have fun in college too?
Because that would be a major lie.
Or do people want to truth.
I hate it.
I hate the twins, they bother me with their OCDness, and the fact that they "love" their boyfriends so much. I hate how they are so nice to everyone, always saying hi to every person they see. I also hate the fact that they are so close to the coaches, and always swim fast, even though I train just as hard as them. Everytime I hear Claire saying "I love you" to Alhen it makes me so angry, because she is reason that me and Kyle aren't together anymore. I hate how she hid the pots and pans, and then told everyone about it, making me the bad guy. I hate how she can do whatever she wants.
I sometimes hate Megan. I hate how she can always get guys, loves having sex with different guys even though she has a perfectly good boyfriend back home. She could have any guy in the world, while I am left with nothing. I hate how she makes friends so easily, and how she could never train a day in her life and be okay.
I hate the swim team. The girls are okay, most of the time are bitchy, but they don't give two-shits about me for some reason. I don't contribut to the team at all because I swim so slow. I feel like I have no friends on the team, even though I have done NOTHING to make anyone not like me.
I hate the coaches. Coach Moody, my head coach, doesn't talk to me ever. I don't understand if he is afraid of me, doesn't want a relationship with me, or just doesn't care. I work hard everyday, don't complain, and I do what I am told. Leah bitches at me for no reason, but I'm so done with her.
I hate how I haven't made any good friends yet. There has been some friendly times between me and other people, but not enough to really call them friends. It makes me upset that I really can't talk to anyone here about things that are going on, because they don't understand everything that I have been through.
I hate how I am fat. I keep gaining weight, even though I know it will make me swim slow, something that I really don't want. I hate how I always eat when I am upset, and that I feel like food controls me, not vice versa. I hate the way my body looks, how I feel, and the fact that I will go home and people will say "OH, she's got the Freshman 15." I am so unhappy/ depressed, and I know that I should talk to someone but I am too scared to.
Should I tell people the whole Kyle thing? I don't think people really understand when I tell them. All they say is... "Wow, that's crazy."
They don't understand how hurt I felt when I found out that Claire, my college roomate, the one person that I was supposed to talk about everything with, told the R.A. on me.
Seriously
Why the FUCK would you do that?
But anyways. Since we are now broken up for good, I should be happy. I've kinda been wanting to break up with him for the past like 2 months, because things were just okay. We would talk and stuff, but I mean we didn't really connect like we used to.
He wasn't even upset. I know he had a chance to "think things over for a few days" before he did it, but that it TOTAL bullshit that he wasn't even upset. Ending a 1 year 8 month relationship that easily should be illegal. I mean, its's not like he is not emotional because I have seen him cry at least 10 times for no apparent reason. I swear to God the kid cries more than I do.
I know that he "wants to be free" but I don't understand how I was holding him back at all. We talked maybe once every 3 days, and if he cheated on me I would never know. It seems so stupid that all that fighting with my friends, parents, and myself was all for nothing. I invested so much time, money, and emotion into it.
I delt with so much of his shit. The fact that he doesn't go to school. The fast that his family situation is sooooo messed up. The fact that he doesn't train consistanly and constantly lets me and Chris down for helping him. He has treated me so badly and I just stood there and took it.
So I should be happy. I should be relieved that I can do my own thing, not have to worry about him having money, or if my parents find out, not having to worry about if the twins or if anyone else finds out.
I'm more miserable then I have ever been. Anything makes me think of him. I'm sure he is happy. Probably hanging out at Owen's house (my friend too) talking about what a dumb fucking bitch I am, how fat I am, and how glad he is that he never has to deal with me again.
I feel so alone.
Tomorrow is going to hurt to see him. It hurts just thinking about seeing him. I want to call. I want to bury my head into his chest, have him cuddle with me and for him to say "It's okay Meg, don't worry about it. Just relax, and soon you will feel better. " I want him to tell me a funny stupid joke about how good my butt looks or how goofy my hair looks after sex.
I want him to make fun of me when I drive, or turn down the radio when I sing.
I want him to say I miss you sooo much, and then we will go graffiti at Valhalla, and I will write:
emy G
+
bLANC
=
<3
And then we will get a sunshine smoothie at Sonic, I will drop him off, give him a kiss and say:
I LOVE YOU!
always and forever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2007|09:09 pm] |
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I hate being a secret. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2006|09:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
So I don't know when things got so messed up with life in general. I mean yes I made a college decision..but I'm pretty much freaked out about it. What if the only reason I picked it was because of peer pressure of my now-roomies. What if I don't make any friends or I get slower and am unliked. I worry about this kind of stuff. what if I go to college and I just feel alone, justy like I do now. I look back on pictures, back when everything was happy. Before Kristin and Lauren changed for the worse. Before everyone left. Before I was the oldest and the adult in nationals. I remember my first day, me being so litle and scared of all of the big seniors. Now I'm one of them. Since when has Chris been on my back about getting to practice and having to do the entire breaststroke set by myself since I am the only one.
Where did everyone go? Daniel Mikle, Joonas and Matias. How about Kimmi and the Matt guy that used to yell bulldog all the time. Now I'm alone
All the pictures were before Kyle. Before Kristin and me don't even talk. Before I was unhappy with everything. I hate the fact that I have to hide everything I say in fear that I will release my secret. the fear that I will continue to be fake happy forever. the fear that nothing will be the same again. The fear that I am too naive for my own good, and I am digging my own grave by getting deeper and deeper into this. I am leaving next year, and that worries me. Things will never be the same. But I want them to be. I just want all the friends to be okay, no fights, just love. I don't want to have to hide things and just be happy. I want to have fun camping parties without fighting or crying and fake happiness. I am done with all this messed up present. I just want things to be okay again.
I want to rewind to about 2 years ago. I would tell my 15 year old self that things would get worse. Much worse. And although things would be bad then, it will be better. Be happy with being a sophmore and feeling a little loney, because it would just be worse. Just be able to relax and not have to worry about sex, and love, and secrets, and especially friends and family. or even college. I would tell myself to just have fun and not take anything too seriously becuuse there would be a time to freak out later.
I am worried about the future. The fact that I am a stranger to my family, and that I don't open up to anyone anymore. This worries me. I don't want to grow up... Things couldn't get worse could they?? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|09:58 pm] |
I am so confused by how I feel about Kyle. I'm not sure if I want to be friends because I still like him but since the possibilities of us ever getting back together are slim to none I am trying hard not to like him. I don't want to get in trouble with my parents and I just don't want to be hurt.
Even though he says that we were better, he still made me upset and I gave him so many chances. I don't know if I can handle any more fights, not being trusted at all, and the fact that sometimes I am afraid of him, afraid of making him mad.
Even though he would get mad if I would dance with some friends.
I don't know why he doesn't trust me. I don't drink, or do drugs, or even act like a skank. It's not because of my parents or of him. It's because I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO. I like being somewhat innocent.
Even though I am really left out from my friends now, since I am talking to Kyle they are mad....and then the fact that I don't drink makes me different.
Who will I be friends with???
Me and Erin don't really get along anymore, Haley and some of the other young Nationals girls all hang out together. I just feel so alone.
I just feel like moving right now..escaping all the "dumb bitches" and ex-boyfriends that makes me sad..but also makes me happier then I ever have been.
&& my parents are being exxxxxxxtra nice to me now. They are taking me out to dinner, and my mom is taking me to get my hair cut, and nails done tomorrow. And she's paying. Weird.
"Could this be out of line? To say you are the only one breaking me down like this.
You're the only one that I would take a shot on. And keep me hanging on so contagiously." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|06:54 pm] |
KELLY CLARKSON LYRICS
"Addicted"
It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2006|07:27 am] |
I don't know anymore
everything is so messed up |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2006|09:19 pm] |
so i don't know if many people know this about me..but i tend to bottle things up. Make me mad, you might forget about it because i won't say anything, but i will remember. Once in a while i will basically just explode and confront you about things that have happened in the past. I'm not sure why i do that, maybe because i learned that i am an S which is the assesment thing i did in the leadership conference. S's hate to confront people, but they never forget anything.
I just need to let that go. So if you make me upset.....then don't think i am fine. I might be right then. but later it will all catch up. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2006|04:18 pm] |
omg some people "friends" really make me mad...
I hate it when friends act so different around different people. Like when its just you and her everything is fine..but then around other people they are total bitches to you for no reason. I hate the total insencerity of some people, how they can jut rip people apart and not even feel bad about it. I mean everyone does it at some time or another, but when I do it at least I feel bad...not even realizing it is bad enough.
Oh yeah..don't talk shit about someones boyfriend if theya re right there. They might chime in just to say some funny stuff but when you constantly are a bitch then I'm not gonna be happy
So basically I hate 2 faced bitches, people that constantly change to become popular, and when people are inconsiderate.
ahhh
and the funny thing is that no one can trust anyone
because if there is one thing that I have learned is to NEVER trust anyone. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2006|04:27 pm] |
everything is falling apart
i can't handle it anymore
im just gonna have to let go |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2006|08:51 pm] |
Ok so I am ready for summer to be here right now!!
Spring break was good. Visited colleges, got tan in Charleston, hopefully got my prom dress and visited UNC, USC, and Duke. Oh yeah...I got to hang out with Kyle aka Brass Monkey basically all of Saturday and Sunday. He even went to church with my family : )
+ me and him are officially boyfriend/girlfriend now.
Sweeeeet!
I had a break and I still want to leave everything behind right now.
I am sick of MOST of the people in Georgia, but some people I will always love <3
School is hell. Entirely pointless and stupid, just causes stress and me feeling overwhelmed..
My parents are actually laying off a little bit so that is good, but at the same time I feel that they are letting me go.
Swimming is bad. I have no motivation, don't even want to think about swimming my life away this summer killing myself every effing day.
I just want to be the average kid that can just relax and enjoy their summer,not having to worry about waking up early or wondering how hard practice will be.
I am feeling left out among many of my friends..sometimes it just feels like I am not even reconized
Prom is in less then a month and I have NOTHING..no hair appointment,nails, makeup, boutinerre, maybe not even a dress
Brass Monkey is coming so that should be good.
I need another vacation.or maybe just a permanent move.
I usually move ever 3-4 years anyways so my time is just about up in lame georgia,
I want to go to sleep
I havent started on my homework.
It's 9:00 |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 28th, 2006|04:45 pm] |
i have the flu
countdown 8 days til orlando |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2006|07:45 pm] |
so basically it is only a TUESDAY and I am so very ready for the weekend to come. Actually I just want it to be summer again. I miss:
the cute boys
the platinum blonde hair
the tan skin
the money making
hanging out with friends
training hard
playing volleyball
Oh well, we only have 3 more months....
Today was an ok day I guess. I got a 79 on my math test which wasn't very good considering the class average was a 90 but oh well. Since I got my physical yesterday, I missed 6th period so today in precal I was very confused : (
Oh yeah my physical wasn't much fun. I had to have 2 SHOTS, one in each arm, and then we had an interesting talk..
"So who is your best friend?"
"What do you like to do?"
"Are you having sex?"
haha it just made me laugh how she switched subjects on me.
I don't want to do my homework anymore, so basically my body is giving up on school!!
Some people are making me really sad lately...friends who are changing way to fast..
So now everyone from our group except 4 PEOPLE ARE GOING TO JUNIORS..it's not really fair
yes scott is going now..
speaking of the devil.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2006|11:04 am] |
boys constantly confuse me
i did good at practice today for the first time in about 3 months
i am getting my hair cut short : o
school is stressing the hell out of me
i had the worst day ever on friday
im gonna party tonite
im pretty random |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|06:27 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | boys again | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | There you will be..Faith Hill | ] |
So basically LOST is on tonite...I am very excited because that is the only tv show that I watch. I wonder what is going to happen with the others!! AHHH!!
MADE is at our school and everyone says that I should do it, but I don't know what I want to be made into...Maybe an asian person like Kelly said.
I had a long talk with Kristin last night, and I'm glad that we are still friends.It seems like someones we hardly even talk anymore so it was good to catch up. Random phone conversations still about prom make me worry about who I am going to ask..or who is going to ask ME?!?!?!??!
I took my physics test and I definitely failed badly, but I don't really care that much anymore. But we had a quiz today and I think I did decent..Hopefully bring up my 77 average!!
So there is this boy..and I'm starting to like him (again)
i know i can't but you know how you always go back...
It's not "like" yet b/c they havent broken up, but I either have to COMPLETELY ERASE him from my mind forever or i dont know.
Maybe he is starting to think...Well She was a lot better then **** who cheated on me, and besides, I kinda miss her.
I NEED TO STOP!!
Plus I talked to Jacob last night. I havent talked to him in about 5 months, which made me happy : ) |
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| i wanna give up |
[Jan. 14th, 2006|05:36 pm] |
You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?
Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me |
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